Moving Notes so they arent lost.

Learning to filter: My personal journey from lost to found.

For as long as I can remember I have attended church. I was dedicated as an infant, baptized, became a member, and was expected to be there every time the doors were open for 29 years of my life. The problem with that is that I just didnt get it. I wasnt there for the right reasons, I didnt understand half of what was being taught, I played the part well. Those things werent the fault of the church. I just didnt care, I wasnt there because I wanted to live my life for God. I was there because that was what was expected of me.  Im writing this because I feel like today, a day where there are so many questions from friends, a day when I see so many friends struggling, that God is leading me to share my journey. This isnt an easy thing for me to do, and I would struggle speaking about it. But somehow, I feel like this is the place that I need to share it.

As I have said, Ive been in church my whole life. There were times as a teenager that I really did think that I was on the right path. But the majority of that time I was just putting on a show. There were people in my life that were very very good influences on me. Fantastic friends and fantastic youth workers. Those people hold a very special place in my heart. I know that they had my best interests at heart and wanted me to become the best person I could be. I have a lot of memories from that time in my life, and those of you that know me well, know that I dont have many memories of my childhood. As an adult, I realize just how much those people shaped my life, even if they didnt think they were getting through and even though they moved on to other places before I grew up.  I want to say Thank you to those of you that are here on FB. So, a big Thanks, and God bless you goes out to Tony and Stacey Wheeler, Ron and Roxie Hight, the whole entire York family, Pastor B and Betty. There were also many people in the congregation that loved me through even the worst phases of my teenage life. :)

Im going to skip forward to 2004. By this time I had grown up, was married and had 3 kids. I began to feel like church was just a game and realized that the only reason I was there was because I was expected to be there. There were some problems within the church and I was tired of dealing with it. I made the decision to stop attending anywhere.  We decided to try out a couple of other churches. We just didnt like any of them. So another year went by. I met a fantastic friend online, turned out that she just lived 20 miles away in Haviland lol. So we tried out the Friends church in Haviland in February . We did like it, but there was still something missing. So once again we just sat.

Around that same time my mom kept asking me to come back to the church. "Just come" she would say. "We have a Pastor here temporarily and he is fantastic"  And me, the stubborn youngest child that I am, refused.  Part of it was that, part of it was because SHE was asking and I wasnt going to give it to my mother, and part of it was because I was just angry at the church. We had been gone for 5 years and not one time did anyone ever call us, write us or stop by, except my family and that really didnt count for much.  So on April 4, 2010, which was Easter Sunday by the way, I gave in and we all got up, dressed and showed up to church. On that day, I began my current journey.

In those 5 churchless years I had been in a very major backslide. I was drinking, cursing, smoking. I was a gossip, a negative, cranky, just plain mean person. I had nothing but bad things to say about everyone, I was miserable. I had a permanent scowl on my face all the time, and I had a bad bad attitude. So as I walk into church, I had brought all of those things with me. In my mind I was just doing this to appease my mother. I didnt care to like the service, the pastor or his family (So sorry Powells)    I sat through the service, went to my parents house for lunch (with the pastor and his family) and then I went home.  And guess what....I never looked back.  The Powells ended up being called to our church and I thank God every day for them.

In the past year I have struggled to overcome those things. Do I have bad days? Oh yes! Do I still do some of the things that I know I shouldnt?  Oh yes!  Im not perfect.  Im learning about Grace, and Faith.  I go to church because I want to, because I want to learn, because I believe and I want to become the person that God made me to be.  I have had to deal with the people who are uncomfortable with my new found faith, those that refuse to accept the new person that I have become and the people that do everything in their power to help me stumble. But through it all, I know that God is with me, that He will pick me up when I fall and that He will lead my if I just listen and surrender to His will. Let me give you some examples of how God is working in my life.

I have had a really hard time my whole life when it comes to friends. I have always been insecure, Ive had a terrible time getting along with others. I dont have the relationship with other women that most have. I dont have friends to go for girls weekends, etc. In the past couple of months I have really been praying about being ok with that. I always thought that in order to be happy, and to be "normal" that I needed those kinds of friends.  Last month in the middle of the night, God gave me my answer. I was praying "God, what is wrong with me? What is it about me that people just dont like? Why is there no one for me to talk to?"  He said...Its not you. Youre looking in the wrong place. At this point in your life you need to surround yourself with people who lift you up, support your walk with Me and can help you grow.  I know some of you will roll your eyes, but at that instant, it was ok.  I felt like 1000 pounds was lifted from my shoulders. I finally felt like it wasnt me that was broken.

I have always had a problem with my mouth. Seems more often than not that my foot is in it. Im opinionated, I say what I feel without thinking.  This problem is one of the major ongoing issues that I pray about daily. Im learning to filter what I say, what I take in and the attitude in which I process these things. You will see that my filter is in overload a lot on my status here on FB. What that means to you? It means that if you are the praying type, say an extra one for me because Im struggling.  I have a sermon note sheet from one of the messages hanging on my fridge. One of the things that it says, and that I have highlighted says "I will speak highly of others and not mutter."  Looking back a year (and beyond) to today, I really think that this is one of the things that has changed alot in my life.

I think that one of the biggest things that I struggle with is surrender and trying to get it through  my human brain that when I gave my life to Christ, and confessed my sins, that theyre gone, forgiven. My human brain tells me all the things that Ive done in my past and reminds me daily of things done. That is good in a way, a reminder of the past and things that I dont want to repeat. But its also a stumbling block for me. Lots of prayer and encouragement will help Im betting.

I have learned so much in the past year, more than I thought possible. I have grown in my relationship with God and with others. I yearn for more knowledge, I love going to church and bible study. There is still so much that needs to be fixed in my life, but I know in Gods time and with a lot of prayer, faith and grace that I will get there. There are things that I wish I could snap my fingers and they would be changed. (bad habits, lack of patience, my quick temper among them)  I now know that in time, those things will fall by the wayside, with alot of faith and prayer.

So thats it in a nutshell. Im sure it doenst read well, and may not make sense, but thats the way it came out of my brain. I hope that someone, somewhere will take something from this. Now I have a few more people to thank. First goes to my parents for bringing me up in church and giving me a solid foundation to build on, even if I didnt know it at the time. Second goes to my husband. Thanks to Brad for a ton of support, the late night talks, and for helping me find the answers. I know your story is much the same as mine. And Third, Scott and Stacey Powell. You have become so much more than pastor and wife to me. You are my teachers, encourage me, and let me know that its ok not to be perfect. Scott, its uncanny how, more often than not, your sermons seem to speak right to me. And I know thats the case with a lot of us lol.  It has taken me quite awhile to open up, and let those walls come down. But now that they are falling, I sometimes cant help my emotions,  so I apologize in advance for all of the crying lol!!  Stacey, I know that we dont get the chance to chat very often but the conversations that we have had, have meant a lot to me. I enjoy your company and I hope once school is out and its not so crazy busy that we can get together more.  I never got to tell you just how much it meant to me for you to come and pray with me at the revival. I needed it so badly.  I know that we need to get together for an adventure in Wichita again soon!

I guess thats it. So thanks for reading, thank you all for being there for me.

 

Peggy Gwin-Bell So proud of you and your accomplishments.

• • Dixie Jones I think it reads very well!! You are a great person even better then you let yourself believe. Thanks for sharing.

    April 20 at 3:44pm · 

     
  • Scott Powell Marisa, you are a beautiful person! This letter just gave us all a glimpse of the miracle happening in your life. And, for the record, Stacey and I saw this in you from the very beginning! You and your family have blessed us so much this year!

    April 20 at 3:47pm · 
  • Betty Griffith ·
    

    Thanks for sharing! We all have to make this journey. Lately God has revealed to me that I need to "get out of the way" so that others journeys can continue without me trying to "fix" things (Mom's are like that you know, sorry kids) You have been in my prayers since you shared in Discipleship Class. May God continue to bless your walk with Him!

    April 20 at 4:23pm · 
  • Stacey Jo Powell In our year here, I have never once doubted that God is working in all of our lives...but when the trials come (and some have already) that may tempt me to doubt, I have this beautiful letter to wave in the tempters face and will say...if my obedience to God was for nothing else, but for God to get a hold of Marisa, then it's been worth it all! I love you.

    April 20 at 4:40pm · 
  • Stacey Long Wheeler

    Marisa, you have always been special to Tony and I. (I know that sounds corny, but as long as we are being honest, it's true.) Isaac was born on your birthday, and every year on his birthday I have thought of you--realizing that you were celebrating your birthday somewhere at the same time that we were celebrating Isaac's. God has a unique plan for your life and He will use your mouth for His glory. Your honesty in this letter was so refreshing to me, because your faith is real and that is so powerful: More powerful than you probably realize. You have such a beautiful family. You are a great mom and Tony and I are proud of you for the steps you've made in the last year. Also, you are a great writer! Thank you for sharing this with all of us. Blessings Stacey

    April 20 at 8:57pm · 
  • Roxie Melton Hight Thank you for your heartfelt words! You have such a pure heart. You have grown up to be a very special young lady! (You will always be young to me!) Continue to let God work in your life and those around you will naturally want what you have! Love and prayers!

    April 20 at 11:24pm · 
  • Ronald M Hight II

    I remember a teenager girl who was afraid to jump off the high dive board at the swimming pool. (She probably thought I was going to shove her off into the water.) You had to take a leap of faith that day and now you taken an even more important leap of faith. Moving from playing church to experiencing a true resurrection story required a great leap of faith. Roxie and I will be praying for you during this incredible journey. Life may require more leaps of faith but do not forget to enjoy the steps of faith along the pathway of life.